On Being Pregnant

Most of the time, I don't really believe I'm pregnant. I haven't felt the baby move yet, I've only seen him/her once, only heard his/her heartbeat twice. I've struggled with feeling guilty about not being more aware of the life growing within me.

Maybe it's because I wasn't sick at all. I had a total of maybe 12 days where I felt like I would be sick and was sensitive to smells, but I never once threw up. I know, a lot of people hate me when I say things like that but gosh I wish I could just share my pregnancy with others without them getting mad.

And I mean what is that about anyway? Since when are pregnancies all supposed to be the same? I lost weight when I got pregnant and just now am back to pre-pregnancy weight. At 18 weeks. Does that make me an awful person? Do I not deserve something because I wasn't pregnant in the same way?

Sorry, that was a little rant. I'm just tired of feeling like my pregnancy isn't good enough.

Wow, those are words I never thought I would say, never even knew existed.

This pregnancy has been a strange thing for me, not at all like I imagined it to be. I think I always picture things happening in my life, and I imagine that I'll be a certain way. But in reality, I'm much more passive about things than I like to admit. I sort of let things happen without getting worked up over them. Not that I'm not excited or anything! Just...I don't know what it is.

Like my wedding day. The night before, I slept fine. I ate breakfast that morning, took a nap after the sealing before my reception. Looking back, my wedding day was one of the most perfect, beautiful days of my life. But at the time, things were just happening and I was content to let them happen, it wasn't a big deal. Am I making sense here?

Probably not.

I guess I'm just sharing my feelings. Isn't that what the World Wide Web is for these days? ;) I just wanted to say that I finally get it - each pregnancy is different. I just wanted to say that I am humbled and honored to be a mother to this sweet baby, and I can't wait to meet Baby Cook. We find out the gender in 2 weeks and I know that will help make it more real, when we can call him/her by name. But I'm not taking baby bump pictures every week like I thought I would, and I'm not reading every baby book ever written like I really thought I would. I haven't started buying anything for the baby, which I assumed would happen, and though there are times (like after doctor's appointments, or when Tom and I talk about the baby) that I think deeply and affectionately and anxiously about our child, my life has continued very much as normal since getting pregnant.

I hope that's okay with everyone. And even if it's not, that's fine, because I'm fine. I've had to work this out with my Heavenly Father and accept that reality, once again, is different from my outlandish imagination, and that's nothing to feel guilty about.

My thoughts on being pregnant? Pretty neutral. Being pregnant is great and I like it just about the same as I have always loved my life.